Well. Apparently, if you delete the database underneath a WordPress site in the process of cleaning up another, older site — the site fails. Who knew? While I had backups of the database, they were sufficiently old and sufficiently messed up (and had sufficiently little information in them) that it was just as easy to establish a new database. Fun all the way around, but there wasn’t enough on here to miss.
Note to self: don’t delete the database